I’ve tried to write this post a thousand times and yet I’ve never once been able to eloquently put my thoughts into words.

I’ll start from the beginning. I’m a politics student. I’m in my third year at Glasgow university. I sometimes deeply regret the path I chose for myself.

I don’t regret taking the path that led me to this city. I love Glasgow. Glasgow is home in a way that no other place has ever truly been for me. My relationship with this city has been a rocky one. When I look at these streets I see my own soul reflected back. I see myself crying bitterly and dancing drunkenly in the wee hours of the morning. I see myself stressed or frantic with worry and I see myself laughing and carefree. I see old and new friends and I see good and bad friends. It’s my home. I may not have been born here but I have made my home here. I don’t know many people who dislike Glasgow. Its a place that draws you in and will never let you go. This is my corner of the earth and I will forever love it.

I don’t even dislike my degree. There is no other way that I’d be able to spend hours dedicating myself to studying the rise and fall of democracy or the inner workings of the systems we all live under. I love analysing the actions of world leaders and the way in which those actions impact us all. I especially love being able to win the political round of any pub quiz with flying colours.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t regret this path.

I used to take pride in my degree. Eyebrows would raise whenever I mentioned my course of study. Eyes would spark with jealousy and a sense of awe. “Politics?” people would say. “Wow. What a fascinating time to study politics”. I would smile, smugly, and nod along as they quizzed me on whatever was on the front pages that week. I would nod along and give my own opinions on current affairs as if they were gospel. I told myself that I knew it all.

That was in a simpler era. An era before the world went mad. I’m not sure when it all went wrong, when I fell out of love with the idea of a career in the institutions I once saw as honourable. I’m not sure when my ambitions of a role in Her Majesty’s government suddenly seemed reprehensible. I don’t know when I began to feel the sense of knawing, ever-present dread that now lives rent free in my mind. I’m not the only one who feels this way. Eyebrows now furrow with concern when I mention my choice of study. Eyes soften with pity or harden with contempt whenever I tell people what I do. “Politics?” They say, with a mix of either sympathy, anger or any of the emotions that lie in between. They still quiz me on current events. They’re just angrier now, less willing to debate, more quick to raise their hackles and end the conversation depending on the answers I give them. I don’t want to be a politician. I don’t even want to work in politics. I have very little faith in the system we live under. I don’t know if or when I’ll be able to regain that faith.

We are living in an era of political chaos. I don’t know how to make sense of it anymore than you do, even though I’m supposed to at least have a vaguely better grasp on what’s going than the average person. I find myself wishing I’d done the English lit degree I’d been eyeing up at age 16. I find myself fantasising about waking up only to realise that the past five years have all been a feverish nightmare. I can’t even bring myself to feel anger anymore. I’m just tired. Tired of the endless, inescapable news cycles. Tired of climate grief and climate change denial. Tired of brexit. Tired of Trump. Tired of it all.

If you feel the same way that I do then welcome. Let’s try to make sense of this chaos together. Still clinging to your ambitions and still somehow managing to escape the sense of impending doom that the rest of us seem to feel? A warm welcome to you too. I’m not here to judge you. In fact, I honestly admire you. You can have your career in politics. You can do your civil service fast stream. You can make it to the UN or the EU or the infamous green benches of Westminster. I believe in you. I believe that you will make this world into something better. You will make it. That just isn’t my dream anymore. I honestly admire you for refusing to let the current system dampen your fire in the way it has dampened mine. And if you’re someone who just “doesn’t get” politics? Well I don’t get it either. You can make yourself at home here too. None of us fully understand this mess, not even the ones who are supposed to understand it. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I’m Luisa. I’m 21 years old. I study politics. I’m just as tired of politics as you are. I’m going to try and make sense of it through my own writing. I hope I can help you make sense of it too.